Love Dare ~ Day 19 "Love is impossible"

Love is impossible

Let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. –I John 4:7

The Love Dare starts with a secret.  And though it’s been an unspoken element throughout each day, you’ve likely grown more and more suspicious of it all the time.  Now that you’re this far, it’s a secret you’re discovering for yourself, even if you haven’t exactly known how to put it into words.

The secret is this:  you cannot manufacture unconditional love (or agape love) out of your own heart.  It’s impossible.  It’s beyond your capabilities.  It’s beyond all our capabilities.

You may have demonstrated kindness and unselfishness in some form, and you may have learned to be more thoughtful and considerate.  But sincerely loving someone unselfishly and unconditionally is another matter altogether.

So how can you do it?  Like it or not, agape love isn’t something you can do.  It’s something only God can do.  But because of His great love for you—and His love for your spouse—He chooses to express His love through you.

Still, you may not believe that.  You may be convinced that with enough hard work and commitment, you can muster up unconditional, long-term, sacrificial love from your own heart. You want to believe it’s in you.

But how many times has your love failed to keep you from lying, from lusting, from overreacting, from thinking evil of this person you’ve vowed before God to love for the rest of your life.

How many times has your love proven incapable of controlling your anger?  How many times has your love motivated you to forgive or brought about a peaceable end to an ongoing argument?

It’s this failure that exposes mankind’s sinful condition.  We’ve all fallen short of God’s commands (Romans 3:23).  We’ve all demonstrated selfishness, hatred, and pride.  And unless something is done to cleanse us of these ungodly attributes, we will stand before God guilty as charged (Romans 6:23).  That’s why if you’re not right with God, you can’t truly love your spouse because He is the Source of that love.

You can’t give what you don’t have.  You can’t call up inner reserves and resources that aren’t there to be summoned.  In the same way that you can’t give away a million dollars if you don’t have it to start with, you cannot pay out love in greater measure than you own.  You can try, but you will fail.

So the hard news is this:  love that is able to withstand every pressure is out of your reach, as long as you’re only looking within yourself to find it.  You need someone who can give you that kind of love.

“Love is from God” (I John 4:7).  And only those who have allowed Him into their heart through faith in His Son, Jesus—only those who have received the Spirit of Christ through belief in His death and resurrection—are able to tap into love’s real power.  “Apart from me,” Jesus said, “you can do nothing” (John 15:5).

But He also said, “If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you” (John 15:7).  God has promised through Christ to dwell in your heart through faith so that you can “know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:19 NKJV).

When you surrender yourself to Christ, His power can work through you.  Even at your very best, you are not able to live up to God’s standards.  But He “is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us” (Ephesians 3:20). That’s how you love your spouse.

So, this unsettling secret—as defeating as it may feel—has a happy ending for those who will stop resisting and will receive the love God has for them.  This means that the love He has “poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us” (Romans 5:5) is always available, every time we choose to submit to it.

You simply won’t be able to do it without Him.

Perhaps you’ve never given our heart to Christ, but you sense Him drawing you today.  You may be realizing for the first time that you, too, have broken God’s commands, and that your guilt will keep you from knowing Him.  But Scripture says that if you repent by turning away from your sin and turning to God, He is willing to forgive you because of the sacrifice his Son made on the cross.  He is pursuing you, not to enslave you but to free you, so you can receive His love and forgiveness.  Then you can share it with the one you’ve been called most specifically to love.

Perhaps you’re already a believer, but you would admit that you have walked away from fellowship with God.  You’re not in the Word, you’re not in prayer, maybe you’re not even in church anymore.  The love you used to feel coursing through your veins has dwindled into apathy.

The truth is, you can’t live without Him and you can’t love without Him.  But there is no telling what He could do in your marriage if you put your trust in Him.

TODAY’S DARE

Look back over the dares from the previous days.  Were there some that seemed impossible to you?  Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love?  Ask Him to show you where you stand with Him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination.

What do you believe God is saying to you?  Is there a stirring in your heart?  What decision have you made in response to this?

Look back over the dares from previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible for you? Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love? Ask Him to show you where you stand with Him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination.

This is impossible, but with God all things are possible.  (Matthew 19:26)

Love Dare ~ Day 18 " Love Seeks to Understand"

Love Seeks to Understand

How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding. – Proverbs 3:13

We enjoy discovering as much as we can about the things we truly care about.  If it’s our favorite football team, we’ll read any article that helps us keep up with how they’re doing.  If it’s cooking, we’ll tune to those channels that share the best grilling techniques or dessert recipes.  If there’s a subject that appeals to us, we’ll take notice any time it comes up.  In fact, it’s often like an area of personal study.

It’s fine, of course, to have outside interests and to be knowledgeable about certain things.  But this is where love would ask the question, “How much do you know about our mate?

Think back to the days when you were courting.  Didn’t you study the one your heart was yearning for?

When a man is trying to win the heart of a woman, he studies her.  He learns her likes, dislikes, habits, and hobbies.  But after he wins her heart and marries her, he often stops learning about her. The mystery and challenge of knowing her seems less intriguing, and he finds his interests drifting to other areas.

This is also true in many cases for women, who start off admiring and building respect for the man they desire to be with.  But after marriage, those feelings begin to fade as reality reveals that her “prince” is a flawed and imperfect man.

Yet there are still hidden things to discover about your spouse. And this understanding will help draw you closer together.  It can even give you favor in the eyes of your mate.  “Good understanding produces favor” (Proverbs 13:15).

Consider the following perspective: if the amount you studied your spouse before marriage were equal to a high school diploma, then you should continue to learn about your mate until you gain a “college degree,” a “master’s degree,” and ultimately a “doctorate degree.”  Think of it as a lifelong journey that draws your heart ever closer to your mate.

·        Do you know his or her greatest hopes and dreams?

·        Do you fully understand how they prefer to give and receive love?

·        Do you know what your spouse’s greatest fears are and why they struggle with them?

Some of the problems you have in relating to your spouse are simply because you don’t understand them.  They probably react very differently to certain situations than you do, and you can’t figure out why?

These differences – even the ones that are relatively insignificant – can be the cause of many fights and conflicts in your marriage.  That’s because, as the Bible says, we tend to “revile” those things we don’t understand (Jude 10).

There are reasons for his or her tastes and preferences.  Each nuance in your spouse’s character has a back story.  Each element of who he is, how he thinks, and what he’s like is couched in a set of guiding principles, which often makes sense only to the person who holds them.  But it’s worth the time it will take to study why they are the way they are.

If you missed the level of intimacy you once shared with your spouse, one of the best ways to unlock their heart again is by making a commitment to know them. Study them.  Read them like a book you’re trying to understand.

Ask questions.  The Bible says, “The ear of the wise seeks knowledge” (Proverbs 18:15).  Love takes the initiative to begin conversations.  In order to get your mate to open up, they need to know that your desire for understanding them is real and genuine.

Listen.  “Wise men store up knowledge, but with the mouth of the foolish, ruin is at hand” (Proverbs 10:14).  The goal of understanding your mate is to hear them, not to tell them what you think.  Even if your spouse is not very talkative, love calls you to draw out the “deep water” that dwells within them (Proverbs 20:5).

Ask God for discernment.  “The Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding” (Proverbs 2:6). Things like gender differences, family backgrounds, and varied life experiences can cloud your ability to know your mate’s heart and motivations.  But God is a giver of wisdom.  The Lord will show you what you need in order to know how to love your spouse better.

“By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches” (Proverbs 24:3-4).  There is a depth of beauty and meaning inside your wife or husband that will amaze you as you discover more of it.  Enter the mystery with expectation and enthusiasm.  Desire to know this person even better than you do now.  Make him or her your chosen field of study, and you will fill your home with the kind of riches only love can provide.

Today’s Dare

Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you.  The dinner can be as nice as you prefer.  Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you’ve rarely talked about.  Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.

Prepare a special dinner at home, just for your family. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know each other better, perhaps in areas you’ve rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for your whole family.

Acquire wisdom; and with all your acquiring, get understanding. (Proverbs 4:7)

Love Dare ~ Day 17 "Love Promotes Intimacy"

Parent teams doing the love dare may have a harder time with this day.  My suggestion, if you need one is to go back and do your favorite day so far. Perhaps another "Saying nothing negative day"

 I know I could use a reminder for that weekly!

Love Promotes Intimacy

He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. – Proverbs 17:9 NIV

You can be close to a good friend you’ve known since childhood or college days.  You can be close to a sibling, your parents, or a cousin who’s about your same age.  But nothing rivals the closeness that’s experienced between a husband and wife. Marriage is the most intimate of all human relationships.

That’s why we need it so much.  Each of us comes into life with an inborn hunger to be known, love, and accepted.  We want people to know your name, to recognize us when they see us, and to value who we are. The prospect of sharing our home with another person who knows us down to the most intimate detail is part of the deep pleasure of marriage.

Yet this great blessing is also the site of its greatest danger. Someone who knows us this intimately can either love us at a depth we never imagined, or can wound us in ways we may never fully recover from.  It’s both the fire and the fear of marriage.

Which of these are you experiencing the most in your home right now?  Are the secrets your spouse knows about you reasons for shame, or reason for drawing you closer?  If your spouse were to answer this same question, would they say you make them feel safe, or scared?

If home is not considered a place of safety, you will both be tempted to seek it somewhere else.  Perhaps you might look to another person initiating a relationship that either flirts with adultery or actually enters in.  You may look for comfort in work or outside hobbies, something that partially shields you from intimacy but also keeps you around people who respect and accept you.

Your mate should not feel pressured to be perfect in order to receive your approval.  They should not walk on eggshells in the very place where they ought to feel the most comfortable in their bare feet.  The Bible says, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18).  The atmosphere in your marriage should be one of freedom.  Like Adam and Eve in the garden, your closeness should only intensify your intimacy.  Being “naked” and “not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25) should exist in the same sentence, right in your marriage – physically and emotionally.

Admittedly, this is tender territory.  Marriage has unloaded another person’s baggage into your life, and yours into theirs. Both of you have reason to feel embarrassed that this much has been revealed about you to another living soul.  But this is your opportunity to wrap all this private information about them in the protective embrace of your love, and promise to be the one who can best help him or her deal with it.

Some of these secrets may need correcting.  Therefore, you can be an agent of healing and repair – not by lecturing, not by criticizing, but by listening in love and offering support.

Some of these secrets just need to be accepted.  They are part of this person’s make-up and history.  And though these issues may not be very pleasant to deal with, they will always require a gentle touch.

In either case, you and you alone wield the power either to reject your spouse because of this or to welcome them in – warts and all.  They will either know they’re in a place of safety where they are free to make mistakes, or they will recoil into themselves and be lost to you, perhaps forever.  Loving them well should be your life’s work.

Think of it this way.  No one knows you better than God does, the One who made you.  The writer of Psalm 139 was right when he said, “You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar.  You scrutinize my path and my lying down, and are intimately acquainted with all my ways.  Even before there is a word on my tongue, behold, O Lord, You know it all” (Psalm 139:2-4).

And yet God, who knows secrets about us that we even hide from ourselves, loves us at a depth we cannot begin to fathom. How much more should we – as imperfect people – reach out to our spouse in grace and understanding, accepting them for who they are and assuring them that their secrets are safe with us?

This may be an area where you’ve really failed in the past. If so, don’t expect your mate to immediately give you wide-open access to their heart.  You must begin to rebuild trust.  Jesus Himself is described as One who doesn’t barge into people’s lives but who stands at the door and knocks.  “If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and I will dine with him, and he with Me” (Revelation 3:20).

The reality of intimacy always takes time to develop, especially after being compromised.  But your commitment to re-establishing it can happen today – for anyone willing to take the dare.

Today’s Dare

Determine to guard your mate’s secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them.  Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues.  Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you.  Make them feel safe. 

Pick you favorite dare from previous days if this day isn't easily moldable for families.

I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.  (Song of Solomon 6:3)

Love Dare ~ Day 16 "Love intercedes"

Love Intercedes

Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. – 3 John 2

You cannot change your spouse.  As much as you may want to, you cannot play God and reach into their heart and mold them into what you want them to be.  But that’s what most couples spend a large part of their time trying to do – change their spouse.

Insanity has been described as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  But isn’t that what happens when you try to change your mate?  It’s frustration at the highest level.  At some point you have to accept that it’s not something you can do.  But here’s what you can do.  You can become a “wise farmer.”

A farmer cannot make a seed grow into a fruitful crop.  He cannot argue, manipulate, or demand it to bear fruit.  But he can plant the seed into fertile soil, give it water and nutrients, protect it from weeds, and then turn it over to God.  Millions of farmers have made a livelihood from this process over the centuries.  They know that not every seed sprouts.  But most will grow when planted in proper soil and given what they need.

There is no guarantee that anything in this book will change your spouse.  But that’s not what this book is about.  It’s about daring to love.  If you take the Love Dare seriously, there is a high likelihood that you will be personally changed from the inside out.

And if you carry out each dare, your spouse will likely be affected and your marriage will begin to bloom in front of your eyes.  It may take weeks.  It may even take years. But regardless of the soil you’re working with, you are to plan for success.  You are to get weeds out of your marriage.  You are to nurture the soil of your mate’s heart and then depend on God for the results.

But you won’t be able to do this alone.  You will need something that is more powerful than anything else you have.  And that is effective prayer.

Prayer really does work.  It’s a spiritual phenomenon created by an unlimited, powerful God.  And it yields amazing results.

Do you feel like giving up on your marriage?  Jesus said to pray instead of quitting (Luke 18:1).  Are you stressed out and worried?  Prayer can bring peace to your storms (Philippians 4:6-7) Do you need a major breakthrough?  Prayer can make the difference (Acts 12:1-7).

God is sovereign.  He does things His way.  He’s not a genie in a lamp that submits to your every wish.  But He does love you and desires an intimate relationship with you.  This doesn’t happen apart from prayer.

There are some key elements that must be in place for prayer to be effective.  But suffice to say that prayer works best when coming from a humble heart that is in a right relationship with God and others.  The Bible says, “Confess sins to one another, and pray for one another … The effective prayer of righteous man can accomplish much” (James 5:16).

Have you ever wondered why God gives you overwhelming insight into your spouse’s hidden faults?  Do you really think it’s for endless nagging?  No, it is for effective kneeling.  No one knows better how to pray for your mate than you.

Has your scolding or nagging been working?  The answer is no, because that’s not what changes a heart.  It is time to try talking to God in your prayer closet instead.

A husband will find that God can “fix” his wife a lot better than he can.   Wife will accomplish more through strategic prayer than from all her persuasive efforts.  It is also a much more pleasant way to live.

So turn your complaints into prayers and watch the Master work while you keep your hands clean.  If your spouse doesn’t have any type of relationship with God, then it’s clear what you need to start praying for.

Beyond this, begin to pray for exactly what your mate needs. Pray for his heart.  Pray for her attitude. Pray for your spouse’s responsibilities before God.  Pray for truth to replace lies.  Pray for forgiveness would replace bitterness.  Pray for your heart’s desires – for love and honor to become the norm.  Pray for romance and intimacy to go to a deeper level.

One of the most loving things you can ever do for your spouse is to pray for them.  “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to” (Matthew 7:7)

Today’s Dare

Begin Praying for your spouse’s heart.  Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse’s life and in your marriage.

 Begin praying today for your family’s heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in their life and in your family as a whole.

If anyone is God-fearing and does His will, He listens to him (John 9:31).

Love Dare ~ Day 15 " Love is honorable"

Love is Honorable

Live with your wives in an understanding way … and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life.  – 1 Peter 3:7

There are certain words in our language that have powerful meanings.  Whenever these words are used, an air of respect is associated with them.  These words never lose their timeless quality, class, and dignity.  One of these will be our focus for today.  It is the word honor.

To honor someone means to give them respect and high esteem, to treat them as being special and of great worth. When you speak to them, you keep your language clean and understandable. You are courteous and polite.  When they speak to you, you take them seriously, giving their words weight and significance.  When they ask you to do something, you accommodate them if at all possible, simply out of respect for who they are. 

The Bible tells us to “honor” our father and mother, as well as those in authority.  It is a call to acknowledge the position or value of someone else.  Honor is a noble word.

This is especially true in marriage.  Honoring your mate means giving him or her your full attention, not talking to them from behind a newspaper or with one eye on the television. When decisions are being made that affect both of you or your whole family, you give your mate’s voice and opinion equal influence in your mind.  You honor what they have to say.  They matter – and because of the way you treat them, they should know it.

But there’s another word that calls us to a higher place, a word that isn’t often equated with marriage, though its relevance cannot be understated.  It’s a word that actually forms the basis for honor – the very reason why we give respect and high regard to our husband or wife.  That word is holy.

To say to your mate should be “holy” to you doesn’t mean that he or she is perfect. Holiness means they are set apart for a higher purpose – no longer common or everyday but special and unique.  A person who has become holy to you has a place no one can rival in your heart.  He or she is sacred to you, a person to be honored, praised, and defended.

A bride treats her wedding dress this way.  After wearing it on her special day, she covers and protects it, then sets it apart from everything else in her closet. You won’t catch her in it when she’s working in the yard or going out on the town.  Her wedding dress has value all its own. In this way, it is holy and sacred to her.

When two people marry, each spouse becomes “holy” to each other by way of “holy matrimony.”  This means no other person in the whole world is supposed to enjoy this level of commitment and endearment from you. Your relationship is like no other.  Your share physical intimacy with only her, only him.  You establish a home with this person.  You bear your children with this person.  Your heart, your possessions, your life itself is to be wrapped up in the uncommon bond you share with this one in individual.

Is that the way it is in your marriage?  Would your mate say you honor and respect them?  Do you consider them set apart and highly valued?  Holy?

Perhaps you don’t feel this way and maybe for good reason. Perhaps you wish some outsider could see the level of disrespect you get from your wife or husband – someone who would make your mate feel embarrassed to be exposed for who they really are behind closed doors.

But that’s not the issue with love.  Love honors even when it’s rejected.  Love treats its beloved as special and sacred even when an ungrateful attitude is all you get in return.

It’s marvelous, of course, when a husband and wife are joined in this purpose, when they’re following the biblical command to be “devoted to one another” in love, when they’re giving “preference to one another in honor” (Romans 12:10). “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure” (Hebrews 13:4 NIV).

But when your attempts at honor go unreciprocated, you are to give honor just the same.  That’s what love dares to do – to say, “Of all the relationships I have, I will value ours the most.  Of all the things I’m willing to sacrifice, I will sacrifice the most for you. With all your failures, sins, mistakes, and faults – past and present – I will choose to love and honor you.”  That’s how you create an atmosphere for love to be rekindled.  That’s how you create an atmosphere for love to be rekindled.  That’s how you lead your heart to truly love your mate again.  And that’s the beauty of honor.

Today’s Dare

Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine.  It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting his clothes away for him.  It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication.  Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes.

Choose a way to show honor and respect to your family that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door open. It might be putting their clothes away or doing another chore for them. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. 

Show your family that they are highly esteemed in your eyes. 

I will also honor them and they will not be insignificant.  (Jeremiah 30:19)

Love Dare ~ Day 14 "Love takes delight"

Love Takes Delight

Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life. – Ecclesiastes 9:9 HCSB

One of the most important things you should learn on your Love Dare journey is that you should not just follow your heart.  You should lead it.  You don’t let your feelings and emotions do the driving.  You put them in the back seat and tell them where you’re going.

In your marriage relationship, you won’t always feel like loving.  It is unrealistic for your heart to constantly thrill as the thought of spending every moment with your spouse.  Nobody can maintain a burning desire for togetherness just one feelings alone.  But it’s also difficult to love someone only out of obligation.

A newlywed takes delight in the one they now call their spouse. Their love is fresh and young, and the hopes for a romantic future linger in their hearts.  However, there is something just as powerful as that fresh, new love.  It comes from the decision to delight in your spouse and to love him or her no matter how long you’ve been married.  In other words, love that chooses to love is just as powerful as love that feels like loving.  In many ways, it’s a truer love because it has its eyes wide open.

Left to ourselves, we’ll always lean toward being disapproving of one another.  She’ll get on your nerves.  He’ll aggravate you. But our days are too short to waste in bickering over pretty things.  Life is too fleeting for that.

Instead, it’s time to lead your heart to once again delight in your mate.  Enjoy your spouse.  Take her hand and seek her companionship. Desire his conversation.  Remember why you fell in love with her personality.  Accept this person – quirks and all – and welcome him or her back into your heart.

Again, you get to choose what you treasure.  It’s not like you’re born with certain pre-sets and preferences you’re destined to operate from.  If you’re irritable, it’s because you choose to be.  If you can’t function without a clean house, it’s because you’ve decided no other way will do.  If you pick at your mate more than you praise them, it’s because you’ve allowed your heart to be selfish.  You’ve led yourself into criticism.

So now it’s time to lead your heart back out.  It’s time to learn to delight in your spouse again, then to watch your heart actually start enjoying who they are.

It may surprise you to know that the Bible contains many romantic love stories, none more blatant and provocative than all eight chapters from the Song of Solomon.  Listen to the way these two lovers take pleasure in one another in this poetic book …

The woman: “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men.  In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.  He has brought me to his banquet hall, and his banner over me is love” (Song of Solomon 2:3-4).

The man: “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come along!  O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the secret place of the steep pathway, let me see your form, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your form is lovely” (Song of Solomon 2:13-14).

Too sappy?  Too mushy? Not for those who lead their heart to delight in their beloved – even when the new wears off, even when she’s wearing rollers in her hair, even when his hair is falling out.  It’s time to remember why you once fell in love.  To laugh again.  To flirt again.  To dream again.  Delightfully.

Today’s dare may be directing you to a real and radical change of heart.  For some, the move toward delight may be only a small step away.  For others, it may require a giant leap from ongoing disgust.

But if you’ve been delighted before – which you were when you married – you can be delighted again.  Even if it’s been a long time.  Even if a whole lot has happened to change your perceptions.

The responsibility is yours to relearn what you love about this one to whom you’ve promised yourself forever.

Today’s Dare

Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse.  Do something he or she would love to do or a project they’d really like to work on. Just to be together.

Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your family. Do something they would love to do or a project they’d really like to work on. Just be together..

Give me your heart … and let your eyes delight in my ways.  (Proverbs 23:26)

Love Dare ~ Day 13 "Love Fights Fair"

Love Fights Fair

If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. – Mark 3:25

Like it or not, conflict in marriage is simply inevitable.  When you tied the knot as bride and groom, you joined not only your hopes and dreams but also your hurts, fears, imperfections, and emotional baggage.  From the moment you unpacked from your honeymoon, you began the real process of unpacking one another, unpleasantly discovering how sinful and selfish each of you could be.

Pretty soon your mate started to slip off your lofty pedestal, and you off of theirs.  The forced closeness of marriage began stripping away your public facades, exposing your private problems and secret habits.  Welcome to fallen humanity.

At the same time, the storms of life began testing and revealing what you’re really made of. Work demands, health issues, in-law arguments, and financial needs flared up in varying degrees, adding pressure and heat to the relationship.  This sets the stage for disagreements to break out between the two of you.  You argued and fought. You hurt.  You experienced conflict.  But you are not alone.

Every couple goes through it.  It’s par for the course.  But not every couple survives it.

So don’t think living out today’s dare will drive all conflict from your marriage.  Instead, this is about dealing with conflict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side.

Both of you.  Together.

The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you’ll ever do (or ever have done) to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict.  That’s because this is when your pride is strongest. Your anger is hottest.  You’re the most selfish and judgmental. Your words contain the most venom.  You make the worst decisions.  A great marriage on Monday can start driving off the cliff on Tuesday if unbridled conflict takes over and neither of you has your foot on the brakes.

But love steps in and changes things.  Love reminds you that your marriage is too valuable to allow it to self-destruct, and that your love for your spouse is more important than whatever you’re fighting about.  Love helps you install air bags and to set up guardrails in your relationship.  It reminds you that conflict can actually be turned around for good.  Married couples who learn to work through conflict tend to be closer, more trusting, more intimate, and enjoy a much deeper connection afterwards.

But how?  The wisest way is to learn to fight clean by establishing healthy rules of engagement.  If you don’t have guidelines for how you’ll approach hot topics, you won’t stay in bounds when the action heats up.

Basically there are two types of boundaries for dealing with conflict: “we” boundaries and “me” boundaries.

“We” boundaries are rules you both agree on beforehand, rules that apply during any fight or altercation.  And each of you has the right to gently but directly enforce them if these rules are violated.  These could include:

1.     We will never mention divorce.

2.     We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past.

3.     We will never fight in public or in front of our children.

4.     We will call a “time out” if conflict escalates to a damaging level.

5.     We will never touch one another in a harmful way.

6.     We will never go to bed angry with one another.

7.     Failure is not an option.  Whatever it takes, we will work this out.

“Me” boundaries are rules you personally practice on your own.  Here are some of the most effective examples:

1.     I will listen first before speaking.  “Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger” (James 1:19).

2.     I will deal with my own issues up-front.  “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3)

3.     I will speak gently and keep my voice down.  “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

Fighting fair means changing your weapons.  Disagreeing with dignity.  It should result in building a bridge instead of burning one down.  Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for.

Today’s Dare

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement.  If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to “fight” by.  Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

Talk with your family about establishing healthy rules of engagement. Write out your own personal rules to “fight” by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

Be of the same mind toward one another.  (Romans 12:16)